When talking about drug addiction, people usually imagine a certain image: an antisocial person from a dysfunctional family. However, Keily’s story shows that this is just a stereotype. Mephedrone chemsex. The whole truth.
The obedient daughter of loving parents fell into the clutches of a drug addict who pretended to be a psychologist and got the girl hooked on mephedrone. Keily tells the «Breaking Bad» team about why it happened and what early trauma still spoils her life and makes her think about suicide.
He said: «Go tell it, everybody knows everything»
— How did you hear about us?
— A friend gave me a link to your forum when she suspected that I was using drugs. She is a chemist and often «sits» on this forum, because there are a lot of interesting things there for her. And since there are competent narcologists there, she advised me to turn to them, because it is anonymous and safe. I didn’t tell her, but she started to guess. Thought it might be helpful.
— Let’s go in order: what kind of family did you grow up in, what was your childhood like?
— I was born in Virginia, in the perfect family. We have amazing parents who love each other. We never lived in luxury. Dad went to college and worked as a waiter at a local restaurant. Mom worked at a college as a teacher. We were always fed, well dressed, lived a little better than our classmates.
— You started by saying that there was love in the family. Did it extend to the children? Were you spoiled? Was there any emotional interaction?
— I grew up an emotional child. Yes, we were loved, adored, but we were brought up in strictness. We were praised for obedience, so I was a very obedient girl. But one event really marred my childhood. I experienced sexualized abuse for several years. I can’t say from whom. It was someone close to the family.
— Obviously he was very trustworthy and you didn’t say anything being a 4 year old girl…You didn’t fully understand what was going on.
— I really didn’t. Naturally, it was hard and difficult for me, and I said I’d tell my parents. I don’t remember exactly what he answered me, but something like: «Go tell them, everyone knows everything».
— Have you told your parents you don’t want to stay with him? Did you lose sleep or your appetite, any clues in your body that might have told your parents that something was going on with you?
— I shut down. I went from being an emotional little girl to a little grandmother. Started flying off into my fantasies. I could play with a jet of water for half an hour. I never told anyone anything. I was sure mom knew. And since she doesn’t do anything, it’s okay. It’s hard for me to remember how long this went on. But it was definitely several years in a row.
— I’m guessing that’s why you’re having problems in your personal life, too?
— Yes, I have no relationships at all. I did well at school: I was an excellent student, an obedient, decent girl. My friends were mostly boys. We grew up in the yard with my brother, and there I made friends with two guys. It was somehow easier with them, because I didn’t like all those girl games very much.
«I call it artificially grown bipolar…»
— What happened to you next?
— When I was 19, I became the lover of the boy I had been in love with all my life. He was in another relationship at the time, but we crossed that line and it was a shock to me. I really hated myself for it. He and I ran into each other by chance at a flower store.
At that point we hadn’t talked for two years, but then we started talking again. And when he came back to Virginia six months later, we met and had sex. I didn’t believe I was capable of such a thing. I lay in bed for a month without getting up. I didn’t like the reality of it, but I missed him terribly.
— And when you were feeling bad for a month, did he support you in any way? Did you write to him, or did you just go through it in a cocoon, like you used to?
— I went through it alone. I had a friend who came to visit me. I’d get ready at that point, we’d get to the liquor store, drink wine and somehow we’d pass the time that way.
— With that guy there was such a story. We would see each other sometimes: I would come to visit him, he would come to visit me in the city. And it was always very vivid and memorable. And after that I went into «emotional minus» very much. I call it «artificially bipolar». When he came I could not sleep at all, not eat at all, I liked my crazy state very much. It’s actually very similar to drug use.
A precursor to addiction
— When he got married, I was «blown away». I was working very hard at the time, I didn’t sleep well, there were endless nervous situations that I couldn’t cope with. I started using nootropics. One day I mixed it with alcohol and started hallucinating.
We have a very beautiful place outside the city (beautiful meadows), and at the moment when I took the drug with alcohol, I started to think that I was there, although I was in the city. I asked to go to the tunnels, I wanted to go to the lakeshore, even though it was impossible. I calmed down a bit after a while, and from what my friends remembered, I looked sober. As if I’d just taken some substance and was hallucinating.
— How long have you been using nootropics?
— Not long, I got really crazy and stopped. I was hallucinating. I could stay awake for 24 hours and then just disappear for 24 hours and sleep all day. My work capacity was bad, I got tremors and overexcitement. I wanted to run more than work.
— The case when a legal but self-prescribed drug led to unfortunate consequences. What happened after using nootropics?
— Well, first of all, I started drinking a lot of alcohol. Almost every week I had small parties and invited my friends to them. First, to forget myself after my boyfriend got married, then I started having nervous breakdowns because of work. And I couldn’t be shown that I wasn’t coping. Naturally, I didn’t say anything to the management, I tried to recover on my own.
Relocation and new drugs (Mephedrone Chemsex)
— In general, I have always wanted to leave. I had experience before: after university, I went to work in France. I worked for the actress Isilde Le Besco, taught her children English, and lived in Provence. A wonderful experience, but due to some circumstances I didn’t stay there for long. And when I went back, all those two years, I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to be in that position and I didn’t like that aesthetic of constant alcoholization either. I ran away to Philadelphia and that’s where I tried drugs for the first time.
— What kind of drug was it?
— Ecstasy. My friend and I went to a techno club and she suggested we use half a pill. She was already experienced. It was an isolated incident of ecstasy use. I continued to hang out and go to clubs and meet people. Moved in with an old friend of mine. She and I started smoking weed and drinking alcohol. At some point I decided to stop, but I only managed to last a month. Still companies came to our house, we went out and I started using again.